Dogs
This blog is going to make me very unpopular, but…
I don’t really like dogs.
Sorry.
I don’t hate dogs. It’s just that I don’t love dogs. I am nonplussed by dogs.
Dog-people bloody love dogs. And, I reckon that they must think that everyone else must love dogs too. Not me, I’m afraid. Nonplussed. Nonplussed by dogs.
My bookings are going to plummet amongst the dog community now, I can see it.
“Why do you hate dogs Jack?
Is it because an idiot labrador once knocked you and your daughter off your bike?
Is it because they shit all over the beach?
Is it because sometimes the owners bag up the shit and then just leave a bag of shit lying around?
Is it because you were eating a burrito on a bench and this dog came up sniffing around, leaping all over you, licking your burrito and the owner was all ‘Ah isn’t he cute he loves burritos’, and I was all, ‘piss off! I’m eating a burrito. There’s nothing cute about licking someone else’s lunch. Dipshit’
Is it because of the leg humping?
Are you just a monster Jack?”
Probably a combination of all those things. Except maybe the leg humping. I don’t mind that too much. And for the final time, I don’t hate dogs. I’m just nonplussed by them. If I see a dog, I don’t want to stroke it, tickle it’s belly or offer it my lunch. I just want us to walk past in a civilised fashion and have nothing to do with each other.
(Cats on the other hand are totally different. I love cats. I would cross a busy road to fuss a cat, scratch its little catty ears, rub its soft catty belly. Cats are amazing!)
Anyhoo, on to the magic section of this blog.
You see, sometimes whilst pedaling my trade, I come across a punter who doesn’t like magic. Crazy I know! To me, they are as freakishly out of touch as I must be to a dog-person.
I know there could be so many reasons for this.
Maybe they got knocked off their bike by a magician.
Maybe they were once shown a trick so good, they soiled themselves, and now they are scared it may happen again.
Maybe they’re trying to flirt with a bridesmaid and having a dashing magician arrive at the table being more captivating and interesting than them totally pisses on their chips.
Maybe they’re scared by magic and think it’s witchcraft (mostly the County Durham audiences tbh)
Maybe a magician once licked their burrito.
I could go on.
The point is, nonplussed folk like me are best kept away from dogs.
And “magic-phobes” (or “freaks” as I like to call them) should probably be kept well away from magicians.
So, in future I shall walk past in a civilised fashion and have nothing to do with them.